SEE YOU AT NATIONALS, BITCH

Bring It On: Fight To The Finish

2009-09-04T22:29:00.004-05:00

The Bring It On series is surprisingly similar to the Final Destination franchise - both have three too many sequels (we're not including All or Nothing here, you guys, because as Erin said, "If people weren't so close-minded, All or Nothing could be the Citizen Kane of our generation. But whatever, sheeple. Wake up, America."), both always start with a bitchin' dream sequence, both went in completely opposite directions of the original, and both are AAAAAAWEEEESOMMMMMEEEE.

Let's just go ahead and acknowledge the elephant in the room:

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Malibu was a KKK safe haven and even black people there totally hate girls who "speak Taco Bell menu." I'm pretty sure I even heard a Prussian Blue song playing. (This is how rumors start. I didn't hear a Prussian Blue song.)

You're not going to be happy until there are drive-bys and chickens in the front yard!

Not to mention the actual functionally retarded guy they got to play El Cholo Broseph the Walking, Talking Plot Point. The guy who's only other credits to date are being Jessica Alba's assistant and a crew member on Good Luck Chuck. This is quality casting, folks! Where is this guy's Oscar!

All Mexican guys are pussy whipped and love their low riders! It's not a stereotype if it's true!

Moving on, take my hand and let's go on a magic carpet ride through the criteria.

Do you trust me?

Criteria

Do I really need to say that there was racial tension and class warfare? They switched it up on us by having a poor, Hispanic waitress ("a maid with tips") marry up to some gigantically rich white dude in Malibu instead of having a white dude move his family to the ~bario, but it was totally still 10 points worth of both.
10 points for pursuing the cutest love interest who wasn't Jesse Bradford yet. We were both totally all "white bread" at first but those PECS and those ARMS and THAT BACK. Even my hugely lesbian cohort was totally picking up what he was laying down. (Did I use that phrase right? Is that how you kids talk on your tweeters when you're twatting your twits? Stick it!)
I'm not telling you the mid-movie setback because I don't want to spoil you but there totally was one! 10 points!
We got not one, not two, but THREE training montages, with a bonus makeover montage. I feel like that deserves bonus bonus points, but I have to stick to the rules or Erin will get mad.
I'm also not going to tell you who was kicked off or left the team because I am a goddamn humanitarian. A Teen-Competition-Movietarian. 10 points!
The third and final training montage was a textbook message of compromise, even harkening back to Bring It On: The First's reworking of their routine. Easter eggs for the superfans!

Bonus points

Duh, competition between the races
I don't have enough fingers to count all the skill brawls, but needless to say, they brought it
One point for a guest appearance by Giuliana Rancic's gigantic mouth.

7 points for the love interest, mostly for his muscles but I guess also a little bit for his face if you can peel your eyes off his muscles

Don't try to convince me that you're looking at the first one and not the second because I won't buy it.

5 points for a funny credit sequence. Not conventionally funny, more like funny-haha-Christina-Milian-is-still-trying-to-have-a-music-career funny.
SECRET BONUS POINT FOR USING THE PHRASE "PERMANENT FACIAL"

Final Score: 76

WHOOPS OCEAN

2009-08-02T23:24:00.002-05:00

Go ahead and drown us in Whoops Ocean because I forgot to alert the media that we were taking a break from Make It Or Break It recaps to go on a motherfucking (long) VACATION. They'll start up again with this week's episode, once we catch up on the last two.

Also on the horizon is a review of ICE PRINCESS, an awesome movie which we watched while mentally superimposing Phoebe's head over Michelle Trachtenburgerandfries'.

Make It Or Break It: Sunday, Bloody Sasha Sunday

2009-07-20T13:33:00.013-05:00

Before we go any further, what is that episode title? Gossip Girl puts more effort into cutesy-ass punny titles than this show. But don't let the title fool you -- this was a pretty good episode.

After the previous night's adulterous sexcapades, Lauren is feeling pretty guilty. It's a good thing she decided to go to church with her gross dad and his secretary on the very Sunday the sermon happens to be about crushing, inescapable guilt. Sorry, Lauren, but even God thinks it's disgusting to sleep with someone else's boyfriend -- you're totally in heaven's burn book now.

MADE OUT WITH A HOT DOG

At the Kmetko household this fine Sunday morning, Emily gets a call from Coach Handsome McBritishrussian telling her she needs to come in for practice. This is problematic, as Emily was scheduled to work a double at the pizza joint. Tila Tequila Mom whines that Emily needs a break from all this work, but she clearly needs to be reminded of the often overlooked eleventh commandment:

Nonetheless, all the girls show up to the gym, where Beloff teaches them a ridiculous passive-aggressive lesson about how Olympic gymnasts never drink and how going to parties and engaging in social interaction is for LEMMINGS AND LOSERS WHO ALWAYS LOSE. The girls are clearly in for a very hard day, and it looks like Emily should think again if she still thinks she's going to make it to work.

Never fear, though! Mizz Kmetko arrives at the Pizza Shack to tell the manager that Emily won't be in for her first shift, but oh no! They are SLAMMED! Of course the manager says that if Emily doesn't find someone to cover her shift, she is fired. This, of course, sets us up for a classic Skrewball Skeme: Tila Tequila Mom dons an apron and voila! She's Tila Tepizza!

You know, I say Skrewball Skeme like there ends up being a huge food fight or Yakety Sax starts playing or something, when in fact the shift progresses without incident, and Emily's mom doesn't have sex with even one pizza.

Back at the Rock, the girls are being put through a punishing workout regimen by Coach Man Version of Jillian Michaels.

From each according to his ability, to each according to how ripped his abs are

But he can see that they are not working in sync with one another because they're high school girls and high school girls only have one mode: hate. So he has them all write down their various resentments of one another, promising to burn them in a trash can in the gym because he's goddamn Admiral Safety, but when the girls hand them in, he just reads them aloud because apparently he, too, is a high school girl.

Payson resents that no one will just accept that she's a walking gold medal; Kaylee resents that people don't believe her when she lies to their faces about not having a boyfriend; Lauren hates having to be in the same gym as someone who's not as wealthy as she is; Emily resents that she's totally prickly and has a huge chip on her shoulder and doesn't understand why no one is making her feel welcome.

After Sasha plays this horrible mind trick on them, he totally peaces out and leaves them to kill each other like in some kind of Saw trap. They squabble briefly about who is the best and who is the worst, but don't worry, Emily quickly jumps in and lets them know that they are ALL the worst.

She's the only one with a job, after all. A job she's missing RIGHT NOW.

In what I suppose is the climactic moment of the episode, the girls band together to bust Emily out of the Rock so she can make it to her second shift at the Pizza Shack, with the promise that she'll be back before Sasha notices she's gone. How long are shifts at pizza places? I thought they were, like, six or seven hours.

At any rate, she does get back just in time for Sasha to dispense a proverb about candles, teaching them a lesson that doesn't involve beer. After such a punishing day, he dismisses them at last, none the wiser about Emily's absence. The episode ends the only way it could: with a Zoolander-style water fiiiiiiiiiight!

Sadly, there were no casualties.

Blowing Off Steam

2009-07-12T11:50:00.013-05:00

This week's episode was all about two things and two things only:

BREW AND BOOTY

The episode opens with the introduction of former gymnastics coach Sasha Beloff, who left his sport of choice because the pressure was too high. Now he is unwinding with the king of sports and sport of kings: fly fishing.

Yes, like most former Olympic-level gymnastics coaches, I tie my own.

Lauren's dad approaches him to make a smarmy plea to come coach at The Rock, but Beloff appears uninterested, saying he hasn't even watched the sport in years. But then, what's this? Why does he have a creepy list of Lauren's gymnastic shortcomings? Piking her layouts? Costing her tenths of points? All the signs are there: This guy LOVES 16-year-old girls.

Meanwhile, back in Boulder, Kaylie is getting fed up with the new coach (who Alicia has just informed me is also Kaylie's dad, DUH), whose name I can't remember right now: Coach Lay Off YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME. The situation is about to reach a breaking point! Something must be done -- something that results in Blowing Off Steam. So, since the universe is a very fair place, while she, Emily, and WhatserPays are having lunch, some greasy douchebag hands them a flyer for Blast Off, which he describes as "the biggest kegger of the year, music, bands, and all the beer you can drink, it's gonna be dope." Music AND bands?

But this show is such an exquisite tease, drawing out our anticipation to watch SPOILER ALERT underage gymnasts get wasted on one beer. Before this epic, life-changing kegger can actually happen, brah, there needs to be some kind of unrelated plot development.

This development comes when Sasha Beloff, unable to slake his hunger for young girls, agrees to Lauren's dad's proposition and signs on to be the coach at The Rock, convinced by an impassioned speech from, okay I'll say it, Payson. He meets that speech with one of his own, a real Braveheart affair rallying the girls to eat, sleep, breathe, and poop gymnastics with every action, every thought, every iota of their insignificant lives.

But even the dethroning of Coach WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME is not enough to keep Kaylie from Blowing Off Steam. The kegger will proceed as planned.

As Payson has wisely abstained, Kaylie and Emily are soon away to Blast Off. And my goodness, who should be there but our emo friend from the pizza shop. He bends Emily's ear about how she's a snob for not wanting to associate with "someone who smells like pepperoni", and surprisingly she finds this offputting and sends him away. BUT WHAT'S THIS? HE'S IN THE BAND? The organizer promised there would be bands and music, but how were we to know it would be emo! What a treat!

While this magnificent revelation is happening, Kaylie's plotline is climaxing with, of course, a dramatic keg stand. Which is, naturally, when her boyfriend comes upon her and is immediately dismayed.

They fight, a bitter, protracted affair. The teenage equivalent of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe. Which is why, afterward, he is in such a fragile emotional state that when Lauren shows up to comfort him, he allows her to move in for the kill.

They totally bone. HIGH FIVE!

The episode ends with, unbeknownst to him, Lauren reading a text on his phone, a plea for reconciliation the way only young lovers know:

Where's Marty?

2009-07-05T18:32:00.007-05:00

So here we are again. Another week of awesome gymnastics and hot girls getting mad at each other. Catching up with the little things:

Payserface can't concentrate without Coach Stern But Fair's three gold medal guidance. Houston knows The Rock is sans coach and is trying to recruit the dull but talented Payton. Kaylie's hot brother has shown up, making all the girls swoon while he throws around the kind of erudite nautical phrases hot boys learn in college, like "How's the slave ship treating you?" and talking about "jumping ship."

Stop yammering about your scholarship problems so I can grab your boobs.

Meanwhile, Queen Bitch Lauren is doing her thing in Denver (Denver?) and is, I guess, better than before but she looks pretty much the same to me. I haven't been invited to judge for the Olympics yet, though, so what do I know? She walks in on her dad macking on DJ Tanner and loses her shit over it.

How rude!

On the other side of town, Emo Boy is getting all up in Emily's grill about what she does in her non-work time when Tila Tequila Mom shows up and is all BOARD MEETING BOARD MEETING yadda yadda yadda, but the kids skip out and go to Denver to confront Queen Bitch and Coach Stern But Fair.

Damn, Queen Bitch's bars look good. Payserface goes all REALLY ARE YOU KIDDING on Coach Stern But Fair. He pulls the rug out from under her (all of us) and does his best Michael Corleone "It's just business" impression. Take it to the mattresses! But it's trickery! He's just trying to motivate Payserface. What a man.

While the whole episode leading up to this part was solid enough, let's not kid ourselves you guys. It was all just filler for that sweet kung fu fighting scene. Pretty princesses versus thugs - who will come out on top??

That was some superhero action, yo!

Hot mom gets lost getting ice cream (so typical) and catches Coach Stern But Fair and Kaylie's mom, the former pop-star, sucking face on his front step. Zip up my heart, wash your hands and walk away! BUSTED! Case closed!

Drill it!

2009-06-28T02:05:00.005-05:00

Both Alicia and I went into the premier episode of Make It Or Break It (Mondays at 9 pm eastern on ABC Family) expecting a full-on campfest, Stick It: The Series. We were expecting pretty much every one of our criteria: asshole boyfriends for all; unsupportive parents ("Your father and I forbid you to do even one more damn gymnastic!"); and a few throwaway training montages set to the Ting Tings.

What we didn't expect was the Friday Night Lights of competitive gymnastics television shows.

Make It Or Break It follows four teenage aspiring Olympic gymnasts as they train to qualify for Nationals. The show is set in Boulder, Colorado, a town where it's apparently a total drag to be a young person.

I can't wait to win all the Olympics so I can get out of this one-horse town.

There is Lauren (seen above), an uber-rich, bulimic c-word-in-training who believes herself to be the top of the heap, when in fact she is only fair. Her bulimia is presented as a simple matter of fact, which was the first indication that this show wasn't going to be the lighthearted teen competition romp we had thought. You just hear her yakking in the bathroom, and then one of her teammates informs her that doing that is super-bad for her electrolytes.

Then there are the two secondary (for now) characters of Paysworth and Whatsherface.

They are both well-meaning and very pretty. Paysley is the top gymnast in the group, and Whatsherface's current claim to notoriety is her secret boyfriend (because no one should ever date a gymnast). Apparently, they, with Lauren, round out the BFF triumfeminate of the Rocky Mountain Gym, the premier gymnastics training center in the Boulder area. But uh oh, here comes trouble (gorgeous, slinky, sexy trouble):

EMILY KMETKO. She's a firestorm of gymnastic power, she's got a troubled past, a mom who looks like Tila Tequila ten years from now, a crippled little brother, and an indeterminate ethnicity. She is unassuming at first, with her Goodwill leotard and unkempt hair, but she soon proves a formidable rival to the conniving Lauren in every field but Lauren's specialty, the beam.

They're all working under the aegis of this handsome coach:

Whose name I can't remember, so for the purposes of this recap, we're just going to call him Coach Stern But Fair.

And now, the plot: Lauren's father, a rich and influential man who has donated a ton of money to The Rock(y Mountain Gymnastics Training Center), wants his daughter to have a promised place at Nationals, but Emily's unbelievable talent has threatened that dream. It looks like this is going to be the main plot contrivance of the series. As long as it doesn't turn into some kind of gymnastics-based Spy Vs. Spy, it should be pretty compelling.

In this episode, Emily was hit hard by both Lauren and her father. From the moment Emily steps into the gym and proves herself to be the coolest dude, Lauren takes a break from vomiting and generally being stank to instruct her two henchwomen to give the new girl the coldest of shoulders. Lo gets some good rich-bitchy insults in, but her friends seem reluctant to get too invested in the rivalry.

This culminates at the climactic tryouts before Nationals, when, at an opportune moment, Lauren pencils in a change for Emily in the distance from the springboard to the vault, placing it five inches further away. It turns out to be some true Million Dollar Baby shit when Emily leaps from the springboard, flips, and fucking smashes her kidneys against the vault. Oh my fucking God, dude, I may have stifled a cry of, "NO!" (But, you know, not stifled it very well.)

However, like every kid with big dreams, not even the promise of shitting blood can keep Emily Kmetko down. She returns to the competition just before Lauren is crowned Queen of The Olympics and asks to redo her vault, this time with the correct springboard distance. They allow it. She's awesome. Lauren goes back to being Queen of the Mediocre County Fair and Parade.

However, Emily's little stunt cost the others dearly. After hiring a private detective, Lauren's dad digs up some undisclosed terrible information on Coach Stern But Fair, forcing him to leave the Rock and work at a facility where he will keep his promise of getting Lauren a guaranteed shot at the Olympics. No one knows what the information is! Cliffhanger!

We're going to do our best to recap this show every week (better than this, with more gifs and shit), because this is honestly an awesome show with a lot of potential, but we're not going to rate it with the criteria, because that would be too much work.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a release date

2009-06-28T01:55:00.004-05:00

On September 1, 2009, this (surely) cinematic masterpiece will be hitting home theatres (or the torrent program of your choice) everywhere.

A summary: Showcasing daring athletics, fierce competition and hot young stars, including Grammy®-nominated recording star and actress Christina Milian, Bring It On: Fight to the Finish sets the bar higher than ever with the story of an East Los Angeles teen who reinvigorates a lackluster Malibu cheer squad with her scorching Latina style.

Haters gonna hate but Bring It On: Fight To The Finish is going to be fucking amazing.

MAKE IT OR BREAK IT

2009-06-22T13:40:00.004-05:00

ABC Family Channel is answering our prayers with tonight's premiere of Make It Or Break It, or Teen Competition Movie: The TV Show. We're crossing all of our fingers and toes that this is going to be as amazing as we think it might be. And also that there's krumping. Please God let there be krumping.

In other news, we re-watched Fired Up last night and I just want to say that our 10 star, Best Movie Of The Year opinions from our first viewing have held up. Shit's awesome, you guys.

Konichiwa, bitches

2009-06-10T17:13:00.002-05:00

4 out 5 of our site visits are from people in different countries. I was going to post a list of a million different ways to say hello to all of you, but I just realized it's 5:18 right now and I got off work at 5:00. Sayonara, bitches!

Gotta Kick It Up!

2009-06-08T13:13:00.006-05:00

Much love to Brista for reminding me of this movie. I remember watching it when it premiered on Disney Channel in 2002, but I've watched so many goddamn Disney Channel original movies that they've all sort of blurred together into a mega-movie about a boy turning into a rollerblading/snowboarding mermaid on his 13th birthday until his smart house ruins everything by quitting the dance squad: The Zequel.

Real talk: Gotta Kick It Up was a star vehicle for America Ferrera and her big ol' overalls-wearing hips. (Back when she was actually fat, not just thin in a lot of layers like on a certain television show that has gone seriously downhill.) Even though FATTY CAN'T ADD in the movie and she manages to turn the can-can into can-cankles, she's a sassy beacon of light in the made-for-TV movie starring That Coach Who Looks Like Carol Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie, Daisy the Mexican Rumer Willis, and a ragtag team of Hispanic stereotypes, including the boyfriend who drops out to become a mechanic and the stern yet caring moustachioed princiPAL. Regardless, can we give this too-tame-for-a-G-rating movie two thumbs up? Si se puede...comer mas tarta de queso!

I know you're saying, "Gosh that's whack, Colonel!" I mean, yeah there's no krumping or aspiring hip hop artists and I think they're all supposed to be 14 even though they all look at least 20, but it's mindless entertainment so let's kick back after school and watch some tube while Marshall Middle School builds their EMPIRE OF DANCE.

Criteria:

No points for racial tension or class warfare because they were all poor(ish) and not white. There's not even weight tension! God Disney is so white bread.
No points for pursuing a love interest. Daisy/Mexi-Rumer already had it locked down in the high school drop-out boyfriend department.
10 points for a mentor with a failed past in DOT COMS. The 90s!

10 points for the school being too poor to pay for their trip to regionals because that's how it works when it's mostly minorities.
10 points for a training montage full of gay skips and gay hot steps that weren't actually gay enough for my gay roommate's lesboner for cheerleaders.

I bet this is the first gif ever made from this movie. ty Erin.

5 points because there was a lot of threatening-to-leave and almost-kicked-off-the-team moments, but we were cockblocked in the end.
So many 10 points for the message of teamwork. Boring! When do I get a teen competition movie with a lesson of shanking your team members for getting in the way of your dreams?
10 points for SEE YOU AT REGIONALS, BITCH.

Bonus Points:

1 point for a skill brawl (kind of?) in Biology class while the minority kid dropped some beats! Beats - the lifeblood of minorities everywhere (in Hollywood)
1 point for a kind of (are you noticing a pattern here with all the 'kind of's in this post? Go big or go home, Disney!) asshole boyfriend who SPOILER ALERT redeems himself in the end.
1 point because parents just don't understand!
1 point because Carol Brady quit Julliard! Gasp!
1 point for a SYAN,B First: High School For The Performing Arts acceptance on the line.
1 point because I thought I got goosebumps but I was really just cold.
I can't find any pictures of Eric Alexander Gavica with a cursory google search, but I did find this picture of a Mexican guy. 6 points for a outstanding moustache.

Final Score: 57
So I know it somehow managed to fail but this movie is awesome(ly bad) and I recommend it to anyone who is me or Erin or Brista.

STEP UP 1: STEP UP

2009-05-28T17:29:00.008-05:00

Okay, this movie was pretty great on its own merits, even though it's probably best known for being the prequel to Step Up 2 The Streets. Ugh, who would put so much effort into making a prequel that they would actually go back in time to film it? Hollywood is so excessive. Anyway, I slept through the second half of this movie, but what I remember of it was pretty good, even though I can't remember the names of either of the main actors.

The plot is set in motion when Channer Tatesalot and his inocuous band of faux-thugs break into the local school for the arts (there's one in every town) and get a little rambunctious in the auditorium. They tear up some fake Greek columns and some plaster busts -- you know, normal theater stuff. It's basically like this:

but with things that don't matter. But then they get caught and everyone hightails it, leaving Chan-o to bear the punishment: community service! Gross!

But he soon learns a valuable lesson: Dancing is nothing to scoff at! It's the same in every language! LOVE IS PAIN LIKE DANCING IS PAIN. Let's rate this bitch!

Criteria:

10 points for class warfare. Who knew janitors could have feelings just like the rest of us?
10 more points for pursuing a gross, toothy love interest who can only be won through the power of dance
10 even more points for an inspirational mentor who SPOILER ALERT GETS SHOT AND DIES

10 points for Tater McChance leaving his fancy dance partner when, in a totally forgettable development, her original dance partner recovers from his sprained ankle
10 points for the above mid-movie setback (a SYAN, B first!)
10 points for several traning montages: See, first she had to teach him to be classy, and then he has to teach her to be STREET

10 points for a message of teamwork and compromise that I totally slept through

Bonus Points:

Are you serious? No krumping in a movie about a dude who's totally STREET? 0 points for NO KRUMPING!
1 points for a billion skill brawls
1 point for a boyfriend who's really not that big of an asshole. I mean, it's not like he sings Chumbawamba or anything.
1 point for the unsupportive parents of The Girl In The Movie, but can you blame them? Would you really want your daughter hanging out with a janitor?
1 point for Chandler Tatesworth getting an opportunity to become a student at the VERY SAME SCHOOL he had to callously vandalized just weeks before
And finally the love interest:

Uck. 3 points, and that's just because she's a girl. Can you imagine her face on a dude? It's not that hard. Here, let me help:

Much better. That is a solid 8.

FINAL SCORE: 77

Hear us out: Bride Wars

2009-04-26T19:04:00.005-05:00

This afternoon we conducted a scientific and social experiment: can the criteria for a teen competition movie be applied to a movie where two grown ass women compete. We learned a lot, but mostly we learned that Bride Wars is the worst movie ever written. I would rather fall asleep in the movie theater seeing Bicentennial Man on my first date than ever watch Bride Wars again.

As for Erin, she finds it a blisteringly honest portrayal of woman. She related in some way to all of the characters, from the shrew to the pill-popping Asian to the perfectionist with an obvious eye lift to the token "drown my sorrows in Ben & Jerry's" girl to the schlubby receptionist with a biting wit.

So I know this is totally supposed to be about two straight women getting married, but let's talk about the elephant in the room. This movie is actually about two women who are so gay for each other. So goddamn gay. Gayer than The Incredible Adventures of Two Girls In Love. Emma wears the pants from the very first scene where the two girls stage a mock wedding, and shit never quits. She even (spoiler alert) dumps her dude and walks Liv down the aisle, you guys. Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to the nitty gritty.

Criteria:

10 points for the rough class warfare between the middle upper class Liv and the lower upper class Emma. 0 points for racial tension because, apart from the pill-popping Azn, everyone was white as snow (or a blood orange).
10 points for a mid-movie tearful (not on our part) setback
10 points for the gayest "training" montage we've seen yet
10 points for a message of lesbian compromise right at the very end. Also known as "playing for the other teamwork"
10 points for a national-level prize in the veiled promise of a Baby Wars sequel

Bonus Points:

0 points for me wishing there had been krumping, although I wasn't willing to rule it out until the very end
1 point for the whole thing being a skill brawl of who could be the biggest wedding-destroying bitch
1 point for an asshole fiance who (spoiler alert) got dumped
1 point for a knock down, drag out, tulle destroying pseudo-tiebreaker
The average white boy fiances earn a solid, pasty four points
No bonus points because we turned it off right before the credits and don't actually know if they were funny but let's just assume they weren't because the rest of the movie wasn't.

Final score: 57 points

In conclusion, this movie is BLUE!!! THIS MOVIE IS BLUE!! BLUE!!!!

Google bomb us please

2009-04-25T22:13:00.001-05:00

SEE YOU AT NATIONALS, BITCH: Your #3 MSN resource for "God the asshole."

You're welcome.

Roll Bounce

2009-04-19T21:38:00.004-05:00

Actual conversation from 4/18/2009
Blockbuster employee: Why Roll Bounce?
Alicia: Why NOT Roll Bounce?
Erin: Yeah it was very critically acclaimed.
Alicia: what

And then a lot of arguing back and forth consisting of Erin saying it was and Alicia saying it wasn't, devolving further into personal insults and name calling. But anyway, if you count the Portland Oregonian saying it was a "powerfully silly brain vacation," then yes, it was critically acclaimed.

But it's so much more than a powerfully silly brain vacation! Yeah, it's funny at times but dude, it's rollerskating. Skilled rollerskating. ROLL DANCING. And it has a killer ass soundtrack. Say what you will about it being fluff, but we might have teared up at a very emotional father-son argument. Don't even get us started on that tiebreaker, too. Fuck that tiebreaker. It's not fair to all the other tiebreakers in teen competition movies because that tiebreaker was fucking out of this world.

What Roll Bounce really has that no other movie will ever have is Sweetness. (Side note: I was just looking for an appropriate picture of Sweetness and was disappointed that the only ones I found didn't showcase his abs and pecs. Erin's response? "You can't even see his big blackness!")

Criteria:

10 points for the racial tension between the cracker ass Sweetness skaters and "The Cosbys" and the class warfare between Sweetness himself and the "ghetto" Bow Wow.
10 points for the forgettable and predictable love connection between Bow Wow and Meagan Goode.
10 points for an unseen dead mother whose skates he inherited and who had an ~invisible hand in the emotional mid-movie setback.
Leading us to another 10 points for a mid-movie setback and I'm not going to tell you what it is so you can't prepare yourself. If we had to be caught off guard and brought to tears by it, then so do you.
10 points for several AWESOME training montages. I'm sorry but everything is better on roller skates. Everything. Even sex.
10 points for a national-level prize in that all of America got to see Sweetness' abs. Seriously those muscles of his could cure world hunger and end terrorism in America.

Bonus Points:

1 point for all of the white people in this movie being assholes
1 point for SUCH a skill brawl
1 point for a father who eventually comes around in the end
1 point for that same father falling from grace so hard
1 point for an out of this world tiebreaker, complete with 500% more abs than any other tiebreaker ever
7 points for Meagan Goode being super hot (as we've mentioned before), but minus one point because she also looks kind of like jail bait in this movie
5 points for an awesome credit sequence

FINAL SCORE: 76 (but it deserves so much more)

Nota Bene: Thank you Roll Bounce for teaching us all that this kid from Holes

grew up to be surprisingly attractive.

BREAKING NEWS!

2009-04-19T09:59:00.003-05:00

PHOEBE HAS READ AND APPROVED OUR REVIEW.

I now present to you, dear reader, Phoebe Unfiltered:

When I was 14, Center Stage was the utter apogee of cinema in my eyes. I was in love with more than one of the characters, I felt it described life completely accurately, and I just couldn't get enough of all that Jamiroquai.

Here in 2009, my dear, dear friends Alicia and Erin have become obsessed with teen competition movies (I mean who can blame them?) and have set up a blog to review ALL OF THEM EVER. Their criteria is incredibly specific and scientifically calculated... really, it's Siskel and Ebert level stuff.

To humor me, we all watched Center Stage about two weeks ago. I was supposed to be a guest reviewer for the blog, but I applied my procrastination skills in this situation as well. But, I'm quite glad I did. Alicia and Erin really posted a genius review of the movie written, as they would say, in the key of Phoebe. It would be almost completely accurate if it mentioned the incredible applicability of the lessons learned therein to real life and how OMG AMAZING it is that MOTHERFUCKING ILIA KULIK (1998 Olympic Figure Skating Champion) plays a small role. Also, around there it should be mentioned that Ilia Kulik may have been the first in a very long line of figure skaters I have fallen in love with.

Bring It On: All Or Nothing

2009-04-18T22:49:00.010-05:00

SHABOOYA SHA SHA SHABOOYA ROLE CALL: My name is Erin, and I'm a drunk lesbian, and I'm here to review the third, and most sexually appealing, installment of the Bring It On franchise, Bring It On: All Or Nothing.

This movie is my personal dream come true. It's the movie that introduced the krumping criterion.

It has Hayden Panetierre in the role she was born to play: a cheerleader with the ability to regenerate...my lesboner for her. Her totally weird eyebrows aside, she is still a cheerleader, which is really the only standard I have for girls.

Since I am four cosmopolitans to the wind and not feeling terribly verbose, let's get down to the business. The business of cheerkrumping!

Criteria:

10 points to THE MAX in racial tension. When Hayden Panehottierre's dad cheats on his taxes (because that's the only kind of crime white people commit), her family is forced to move to the neightborhood of Crenshaw Heights, which, like most neighborhoods that end in Heights, is downright lousy with minorities, particularly Solange Knowles, looking surprisingly unfug.
10 points for pursuing a love interest. Although her real love is krumping -- and ending racism forever -- there is a boy thrown in there, too, just to foil delusional fools like me.
10 points for two or three training montages.
10 points for getting kicked off the team. She was actually kicked off two teams -- her white team turns their back on her, and her minorities team kicks her off when she refuses to acknowledge Solange's captaincy. Ladies, ladies, there is enough cheerleading for all of you to do in front of me.
10 points for a message of both teamwork and compromise. We must all krump together if we are to
10 points for the national level prize in this movie being a spot in a Rihanna music video, obviously, since Rihanna LOVES cheerleaders. LOVES them. Tell your friends.

Bonus Points:

1 point for a competition between the races at a quintessentially racial thing...
1 point for, may I remind you, krumping

1 point for a skill brawl -- please see above. Clearly Hotden Hotdentierre brings it. She BRINGS IT ON. What you're seeing up there is actually part of one of the training montages, when one of her minority friends is telling her to "Get mad. GET MAD" because that's what drives all ethnic dance impulses: rage.
1 point for an asshole boyfriend who I can't remember right now.
1 point for a FANTASTIC tiebreaker that involves nevernude fatigues, rump-shaking, and racism.
1 point for giving me, the queerburger viewer SO many goosebumps. Like, so many that it makes it awkward for the other people in the room, like that time I made orgasm noises during that one episode of LOST while Alicia and Rob were in the room. Sorry guys! You can stop bringing it up now.
1 point for guest judge Rihanna, back when she was just getting started and actually sang songs I wanted to listen to.
The original love interest was supposed to be this douchebag

who Straightlicia gives a 6.5. But at the last minute, the producers of this cinematic masterpiece made a well-informed decision and made it me, Erin:

And I am a 10.

And finally, 1 point for an unintentionally hilarious credit sequence, featuring our entire cast performing as a cohesive group in a terrible version of a thankfully unaired music video for Rihanna's hit song "Pon De Replay". Yikes.

FINAL SCORE: 74.5 + ALL OF MY BONERS

GOODNIGHT

Center Stage

2009-04-18T21:17:00.003-05:00

This post is meant to be sung in the key of Phoebe.

Author's note: Let's be real here, you guys. This isn't a teen competition movie. We're doing this for Phoebe's sake because we love her and we think she's wonderful.

This is the best movie of all time. It taught me how to live, it taught me how to love, it has influenced every move I've ever made. Every move in my home life, in my love life, in my academic life, in my extracurricular life, in my sex life. Especially in my sex life. This taught me how a man should love and please a woman. Center Stage is cinematic poetry, and seeing it for the first time changed my life forever. The love scene is still the pinnacle of my existence, and to this day nothing in this plebeian world will ever compare to the fire it set in my loins.

Criteria:

0 points because this movie didn't see the strife between races, but there was tension in my love muscles
10 points for pursuing a love interest, not liking the love interest anymore, and then finding out you were being pursued the whole time, which is EVERY GIRL'S DREAM EVER
0 points because the coryphées chose to find inspiration in themselves rather than from a mentor
10 points for a mid-movie setback of Jonathan being too much of a philistine to see the true beauty and potential of Jody's "bad feet"
10 points for the entire film comprising of a training montage
0 points for all of the danseurs being too dedicated to their craft to leave the school
10 points for a message of finding a happy accord among fellow artists
10 points for everyone striving towards an academy goal, but MINUS FIVE POINTS because all the terpsichoreans earned an accolade in the end

Bonus points:

0 points for a competition between races; this is a competition between artists
0 points because because krumping isn't elegant enough for a masterpiece like that
1 point for a tango of talent
1 point for a boyfriend who was promiscuous Ethan Stiefel, but when you're the most perfect man in the world, that can be forgiven
1 point for parents who just don't understand what it means to follow a dream that consumes your lfie
0 points for a non-existent mentor not falling from grace
1 point for the chance to reach the pinnacle of achievement in artistic movement
0 points for there not being a tie-breaker because she was in a league of her own
1 point because I get chills down my spine every time I see them perform as a cohesive group
0 points because, although there were several luminaries of the ballet and figure skating worlds, none of them were judges for the final performance
Author's note: We're going to step in here because Phoebe would give him 45 points but we're going to award him a whopping two points. Back into character, Phoebe would describe Cooper like so: Ethan Stiefel. Light of my life, fire of my loins, my sin, my soul. E-than Stie-fel. The tip of the tongue, taking a trip of four steps down the pallate, to lisp at three on the teeth.
0 points because the artistic integrity of this film would have been compromised had there been a "humorous" credit sequence

Final Score: 52

FAIL, CENTER STAGE. FAIL TO THE MAX.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen

2009-04-17T13:55:00.001-05:00

HEY YOU GUYS. We're going to be watching about a million teen competition movies this weekend. WHO'S STOKED FOR US TO FINALLY GET BACK INTO THIS?

BRING IT ON 5: FIGHT TO THE FINISH

2009-03-22T15:46:00.002-05:00

AWWWW FUCK YOU GUYS THERE'S ANOTHER BRING IT ON ABOUT TO ~HIT THE SHELVES~

CHRIST ON A CRACKER I AM STOKED TO THE MAX

P.S. I promise we haven't forgotten about this and we aren't shirking our teen competition responsibilities. Now that SXSW is over and we can get back into a routine, we'll be back!

FIRED UP FOR REAL

2009-02-19T20:44:00.006-06:00

I'm sorry but we're still going to have a hard time talking about this movie without just sort of keyboard smashing all over the place. BEST MOVIE OF 2009 hands down. Oscar season, Shmoscar shmeason. Fired Up was Bring It On meets Judd Apatow, with even more jokes about getting laid. And oh my God the asshole boyfriend oh my GOD. brb gathering my wits to make this coherent. No, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I just want to say every single person needs to see this. Twice. Three times even. Oh my God. It may have only earned 88 points, but it earned a million points in our hearts. THERE WAS A WHOLE SCENE WITH A CROWD OF CHEERLEADERS WATCHING AND QUOTING BRING IT ON. SO META.

Criteria:

No points for everyone in the movie being white and rich
10 points for pursuing a bunch of super hot love interests
10 points for striving to a) not be in last place and b) get some pussy
10 points for a mid-movie setback complete with a SPOILER ALERT talking fat belly
10 points for TWO training montages
10 points for killing two birds with one stone by SPOILER ALERT getting kicked off the team because they were planning on leaving
10 points for so much sexy teamwork
10 points for having a national competition

Bonus points:

1 point for a skill brawl of sorts
1 point for the most awesome asshole boyfriend EVER
1 point for a lack of parent presence, which we're going to assume means they are unsupportive, but also we just want to give Fired Up all the points in the world
1 point for us remembering that there was a celebrity cameo, but we can't remember who it was. But we just found out that Masi Oka (YATA!) was in the eagle costume, so we're going to count it.
9 points for all of the love interests being SUPER HOT YOU GUYS
5 points for a funny credit sequence

Final Score: 88

All You've Got

2009-02-19T20:39:00.018-06:00

(SEE THE WORD FART IN THERE? THAT'S WHAT'S IN STORE)

This is a volleyball movie. With that in mind, let's proceed.

The trouble with All You've Got is that there was so much going on that there was nothing going on at all. The reason it got such a high score in the criteria is that it was a vague, nebulous approximation of what a teen competition movie should be. The racial tension was tempered, the love interest was so G-rated that I'm on the verge of putting that qualifier in quotation marks, and the characters met virtually no conflict throughout the entire movie. They weren't going head to head with another notable team, so all of the fighting was amongst themselves, and there was really no reason given for that other than maybe the writers of the movie heard that rich v. poor made for a good movie.

Ultimately, this was supposed to be a vehicle for the then-up-and-coming Ciara, but it failed there, too. Her character was undeveloped and emotionally blobby, mostly coming off as a spoiled brat. It's hard not to cringe at both actor and material when she saunters up to a bar (which she and her other underage friends had somehow made themselves comfortable in without huge black Xs on their hands) and places an order for "three drinks, please." AND SHE RECEIVES THEM. The next time I'm at a bar, I'll just take a tip from All You've Got and order everyone's favorite: drinks.

This movie is proof that a high score doesn't make a good movie. It was based on an artless skill that made for minimal drama to begin with, then stuffed itself full of boring, meaningless caricatures that did nothing, said nothing, and, even after several extensive volleyball games replete with live DJs, achieved nothing.

High five! We're in a terrible movie!

Criteria:

15 points for racial tension and class warfare. (Remains boring while doing so.)
10 points for the pursuit of a love interest (Remains boring while doing so.)
10 points for an inspiration (dead father) ((Remains boring while doing so.)
10 points for a mid-movie setback (Remains boring while doing so.)
10 points for a training montage (Remains boring while doing so.)
10 points for a character leaving the team and another character getting kicked off the team. (Remains boring while doing so.)
10 points for a message of teamwork and compromise (Remains boring while doing so.)
10 points for a national level prize (which we never actually see) (Remains boring while doing so.)

Bonus points:

1 point for a boring scholarship on the line
1 point for unsupportive (sort of) parents
1 point for Laila "Surprise! I'm boring!" Ali
8 points for the love interest (who, while cute, is boring from his fauxhawk to his generic teenage shoes)

Final Score: 96

FIRED UP ADVANCE SCREENING

2009-02-11T22:33:00.003-06:00

Initial reactions:

Alicia - OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD
Erin - I just need to find a way to make it into a man so I can fall on my knees and suck its dick.

Review to come later when we stop juicing our panties over it.

QUALITY

2009-02-10T18:38:00.000-06:00

It's so hard to find pictures for that guy from How She Move.

How She Move

2009-02-10T17:46:00.004-06:00

I'm sorry (I'm not sorry) but How She Move is the worst teen competition movie we've ever seen, and I say that having seen Bring It On: In It To Win It. Twice. The plot was confusing and hard to follow. It felt like the movie was trying so hard to avoid cliches that it became a cliche itself and went off the deep end. Teen competition movies aren't gritty and shouldn't try to be. They actually said, "YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T." what. Worst of all, none of the characters were sympathetic in any way at all. We both wanted them all to drive off a cliff and drown in Whoops Ocean by the end, and were rooting for the unknown third team in the finals. SEE YOU AT THE PLACE WHERE MY FIST MEETS YOUR FACES, BITCH. In conclusion, How She Move has fewer stars (2.3) on imdb than Joe Dirt and only .1 star more than Baby Geniuses.

Criteria:

No points for racial tension because everyone was black and no points for class warfare because they were all the worst.
No points for pursuing a love interest. Yeah, she SPOILER ALERT kissed the dude with the pimply forehead in the end, but there was no pursuit and it was pointless.
10 points for a dead druggie sister as mentor AND inspiration.
10 points for a mid-movie setback, even though there were like six of them and they were all pointless and confusing.
10 points for the whole movie being a great big training montage.
10 points for leaving a team, getting kicked off another team, and then leaving another team.
10 points for a half-hearted message of teamwork.
No points for a national level prize.

Bonus points:

1 point for krumping
1 point for a skill brawl (almost always followed by a real brawl)
1 point for unsupportive parents
1 point for a mentor falling from grace since her sister overdosed
1 point for (sort of) a scholarship on the line, even though it wasn't tied to the competition
1 point for sort of giving us goosebumps at just one point
1 point for Keyshia Cole
4 points for the love interest, who looked so much better with a hat on to cover his pimples

FINAL SCORE: 61 points

DRUMLINE

2009-02-08T20:06:00.009-06:00

Despite its "low" score, Drumline is clearly the second greatest teen competition movie of all time that either of us have ever seen. So there. Scientific method: MYTH BUSTED. YOU BETTER DRUMLINE.

SCORE CARD
CRITERIA:

A great big ZERO POINTS for racial or class tension. Everyone in this movie is basically on equal ground, and if they don't start out that way they earn the respect of their bandmates by doing one-armed push-ups or making jokes about the school having too many black people.
10 points for pursuing a love interest
10 points for a very serious, Earth, Wind, and Fire-loving Orlando Jones as the mentor who teaches him there's more to drumline than just drumming in a line. WAIT.
AN EXTRA 5 POINTS for an INVISIBLE MENTOR in the form of his deadbeat father, who threw away his own music career to follow his dream of selling tickets at the bus station.
10 points for a mid-movie setback that involves our main character being a great big drum clown
10 points for a training montage that managed to be different by just showing Mr. Mariah Carey learning how to read music instead of involving the entire band.
10 points for getting kicked off the team
10 points for a message of teamwork AND compromise
10 points for SPOILER ALERT winning nationals

BONUS POINTS:

1 point for a skill brawl between READ and CAN'T READ

1 point for a scholarship on the line
1 point for ending with a tiebreaker
1 point for giving us goosebumps
8 points for Zoe Saldana being super flyyyy

FINAL SCORE: 88

Stomp The Yard

2009-02-07T17:41:00.008-06:00

Stomp The Yard is a weird one in that THERE IS NO HUMOR. There is no quirky gay friend. It's all about ~feeling your emotions~ and taking one for the team. On the other hand, there's krumping you guys. KRUMPING. And muscles. Dudes who howl at the moon. Wolves vs. snakes; step vs. krumping; old school vs. new school. Shit. One of us (I won't name names (Erin)) started out thinking that step was cooler than krumping and changed her mind before the movie was over, so get ready for a complete change in world view.

SCORE CARD

CRITERIA:

10 points for class warfare
10 points for pursuing a love interest
10 points for a SPOILER ALERT dead brother as inspiration
10 points for a mid-movie setback
10 points for a super sexy training montage full of sweaty shirtless boys
10 points for getting kicked off the team
10 points for a message of teamwork AND compromise
10 points for SPOILER ALERT winning nationals

BONUS POINTS:

1 point for SO MUCH KRUMPING
1 point for a skill brawl
1 point for an asshole boyfriend
1 point for ending with a tiebreaker
1 point for giving us SO MANY GOOSEBUMPS
1 point for Sway from MTV at the nationals
7 points for Meagan Good being a super hottie

FINAL SCORE: 93

Teen Competition Movies: Our Criteria

2009-02-07T17:14:00.004-06:00

Criteria, worth 10 points each:

Racial tension or class warfare
Pursuing a love interest
Mentor or inspiration
Mid-movie setback
Training montage
Leaving/getting kicked off the team
Message of teamwork or compromise
National-level prize

Bonus points given for the following:

Competition between races (1 pt)
Krumping (1 pt)
Skill brawl (1 pt)
Asshole boyfriend or girlfriend (1 pt)
Unsupportive parents (1 pt)
Mentor fall from grace (1 pt)
Scholarship or college acceptance on the line (1 pt)
Ends with a tie or a tiebreaker (1 pt)
Gives the viewer goosebumps (1 pt)
Celebrity judge or guest star (1 pt)
Attractiveness of the love interest (up to 10 pts)
Extra bonus points (up to 5) for a funny credit sequence.

Total points available: 105 pts.

Teen Competition Movies: A List

2009-02-07T17:12:00.015-06:00

Bring It On
Bring It On Again
~~Bring It On: All or Nothing~~
Bring It On: In It To Win It
~~Stomp the Yard~~
You Got Served
~~Drumline~~
Stick It
~~Step Up~~
Step Up 2: The Streets
Gridiron Gang
Drop Dead Gorgeous
~~How She Move~~
Take The Lead
~~All You've Got~~
She's The Man (undecided)
Save the Last Dance (undecided)
The Heart of the Game
Super Sweet 16: The Movie
~~Center Stage~~
Center Stage: Turn It Up
Never Back Down
The Wizard
Another Cinderella Story
The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold
Ice Princess
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Rad
Better Off Dead
Breakin'
Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
Varsity Blues
Hoop Dreams
American Anthem
The Big Green
The Mighty Ducks
D2: The Mighty Ducks
D3: The Mighty Ducks
Blue Crush
House Bunny
Bratz: The Movie
~~Roll Bounce~~
Airborne
~~Gotta Kick It Up~~
Sister Act 2 (undecided)
~~Fired Up~~

We are always looking for more. Please comment with recommendations!