After the previous night's adulterous sexcapades, Lauren is feeling pretty guilty. It's a good thing she decided to go to church with her gross dad and his secretary on the very Sunday the sermon happens to be about crushing, inescapable guilt. Sorry, Lauren, but even God thinks it's disgusting to sleep with someone else's boyfriend -- you're totally in heaven's burn book now.
MADE OUT WITH A HOT DOG
At the Kmetko household this fine Sunday morning, Emily gets a call from Coach Handsome McBritishrussian telling her she needs to come in for practice. This is problematic, as Emily was scheduled to work a double at the pizza joint. Tila Tequila Mom whines that Emily needs a break from all this work, but she clearly needs to be reminded of the often overlooked eleventh commandment:
Nonetheless, all the girls show up to the gym, where Beloff teaches them a ridiculous passive-aggressive lesson about how Olympic gymnasts never drink and how going to parties and engaging in social interaction is for LEMMINGS AND LOSERS WHO ALWAYS LOSE. The girls are clearly in for a very hard day, and it looks like Emily should think again if she still thinks she's going to make it to work.
Never fear, though! Mizz Kmetko arrives at the Pizza Shack to tell the manager that Emily won't be in for her first shift, but oh no! They are SLAMMED! Of course the manager says that if Emily doesn't find someone to cover her shift, she is fired. This, of course, sets us up for a classic Skrewball Skeme: Tila Tequila Mom dons an apron and voila! She's Tila Tepizza!
You know, I say Skrewball Skeme like there ends up being a huge food fight or Yakety Sax starts playing or something, when in fact the shift progresses without incident, and Emily's mom doesn't have sex with even one pizza.
Back at the Rock, the girls are being put through a punishing workout regimen by Coach Man Version of Jillian Michaels.
From each according to his ability, to each according to how ripped his abs are
But he can see that they are not working in sync with one another because they're high school girls and high school girls only have one mode: hate. So he has them all write down their various resentments of one another, promising to burn them in a trash can in the gym because he's goddamn Admiral Safety, but when the girls hand them in, he just reads them aloud because apparently he, too, is a high school girl.
Payson resents that no one will just accept that she's a walking gold medal; Kaylee resents that people don't believe her when she lies to their faces about not having a boyfriend; Lauren hates having to be in the same gym as someone who's not as wealthy as she is; Emily resents that she's totally prickly and has a huge chip on her shoulder and doesn't understand why no one is making her feel welcome.
After Sasha plays this horrible mind trick on them, he totally peaces out and leaves them to kill each other like in some kind of Saw trap. They squabble briefly about who is the best and who is the worst, but don't worry, Emily quickly jumps in and lets them know that they are ALL the worst.
She's the only one with a job, after all. A job she's missing RIGHT NOW.
In what I suppose is the climactic moment of the episode, the girls band together to bust Emily out of the Rock so she can make it to her second shift at the Pizza Shack, with the promise that she'll be back before Sasha notices she's gone. How long are shifts at pizza places? I thought they were, like, six or seven hours.
At any rate, she does get back just in time for Sasha to dispense a proverb about candles, teaching them a lesson that doesn't involve beer. After such a punishing day, he dismisses them at last, none the wiser about Emily's absence. The episode ends the only way it could: with a Zoolander-style water fiiiiiiiiiight!
Sadly, there were no casualties.
