Gotta Kick It Up!

Much love to Brista for reminding me of this movie. I remember watching it when it premiered on Disney Channel in 2002, but I've watched so many goddamn Disney Channel original movies that they've all sort of blurred together into a mega-movie about a boy turning into a rollerblading/snowboarding mermaid on his 13th birthday until his smart house ruins everything by quitting the dance squad: The Zequel.


Real talk: Gotta Kick It Up was a star vehicle for America Ferrera and her big ol' overalls-wearing hips. (Back when she was actually fat, not just thin in a lot of layers like on a certain television show that has gone seriously downhill.) Even though FATTY CAN'T ADD in the movie and she manages to turn the can-can into can-cankles, she's a sassy beacon of light in the made-for-TV movie starring That Coach Who Looks Like Carol Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie, Daisy the Mexican Rumer Willis, and a ragtag team of Hispanic stereotypes, including the boyfriend who drops out to become a mechanic and the stern yet caring moustachioed princiPAL. Regardless, can we give this too-tame-for-a-G-rating movie two thumbs up? Si se puede...comer mas tarta de queso!

I know you're saying, "Gosh that's whack, Colonel!" I mean, yeah there's no krumping or aspiring hip hop artists and I think they're all supposed to be 14 even though they all look at least 20, but it's mindless entertainment so let's kick back after school and watch some tube while Marshall Middle School builds their EMPIRE OF DANCE.

Criteria:

• No points for racial tension or class warfare because they were all poor(ish) and not white. There's not even weight tension! God Disney is so white bread.
• No points for pursuing a love interest. Daisy/Mexi-Rumer already had it locked down in the high school drop-out boyfriend department.
• 10 points for a mentor with a failed past in DOT COMS. The 90s!

• 10 points for the school being too poor to pay for their trip to regionals because that's how it works when it's mostly minorities.
• 10 points for a training montage full of gay skips and gay hot steps that weren't actually gay enough for my gay roommate's lesboner for cheerleaders.

I bet this is the first gif ever made from this movie. ty Erin.

• 5 points because there was a lot of threatening-to-leave and almost-kicked-off-the-team moments, but we were cockblocked in the end.
• So many 10 points for the message of teamwork. Boring! When do I get a teen competition movie with a lesson of shanking your team members for getting in the way of your dreams?
• 10 points for SEE YOU AT REGIONALS, BITCH.

Bonus Points:

• 1 point for a skill brawl (kind of?) in Biology class while the minority kid dropped some beats! Beats - the lifeblood of minorities everywhere (in Hollywood)
• 1 point for a kind of (are you noticing a pattern here with all the 'kind of's in this post? Go big or go home, Disney!) asshole boyfriend who SPOILER ALERT redeems himself in the end.
• 1 point because parents just don't understand!
• 1 point because Carol Brady quit Julliard! Gasp!
• 1 point for a SYAN,B First: High School For The Performing Arts acceptance on the line.
• 1 point because I thought I got goosebumps but I was really just cold.
• I can't find any pictures of Eric Alexander Gavica with a cursory google search, but I did find this picture of a Mexican guy. 6 points for a outstanding moustache.

Final Score: 57
So I know it somehow managed to fail but this movie is awesome(ly bad) and I recommend it to anyone who is me or Erin or Brista.