The Bring It On series is surprisingly similar to the Final Destination franchise - both have three too many sequels (we're not including All or Nothing here, you guys, because as Erin said, "If people weren't so close-minded, All or Nothing could be the Citizen Kane of our generation. But whatever, sheeple. Wake up, America."), both always start with a bitchin' dream sequence, both went in completely opposite directions of the original, and both are AAAAAAWEEEESOMMMMMEEEE.
Let's just go ahead and acknowledge the elephant in the room:
If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Malibu was a KKK safe haven and even black people there totally hate girls who "speak Taco Bell menu." I'm pretty sure I even heard a Prussian Blue song playing. (This is how rumors start. I didn't hear a Prussian Blue song.)
You're not going to be happy until there are drive-bys and chickens in the front yard!
Not to mention the actual functionally retarded guy they got to play El Cholo Broseph the Walking, Talking Plot Point. The guy who's only other credits to date are being Jessica Alba's assistant and a crew member on Good Luck Chuck. This is quality casting, folks! Where is this guy's Oscar!
All Mexican guys are pussy whipped and love their low riders! It's not a stereotype if it's true!
Moving on, take my hand and let's go on a magic carpet ride through the criteria.
- Do I really need to say that there was racial tension and class warfare? They switched it up on us by having a poor, Hispanic waitress ("a maid with tips") marry up to some gigantically rich white dude in Malibu instead of having a white dude move his family to the ~bario, but it was totally still 10 points worth of both.
- 10 points for pursuing the cutest love interest who wasn't Jesse Bradford yet. We were both totally all "white bread" at first but those PECS and those ARMS and THAT BACK. Even my hugely lesbian cohort was totally picking up what he was laying down. (Did I use that phrase right? Is that how you kids talk on your tweeters when you're twatting your twits? Stick it!)
- I'm not telling you the mid-movie setback because I don't want to spoil you but there totally was one! 10 points!
- We got not one, not two, but THREE training montages, with a bonus makeover montage. I feel like that deserves bonus bonus points, but I have to stick to the rules or Erin will get mad.
- I'm also not going to tell you who was kicked off or left the team because I am a goddamn humanitarian. A Teen-Competition-Movietarian. 10 points!
- The third and final training montage was a textbook message of compromise, even harkening back to Bring It On: The First's reworking of their routine. Easter eggs for the superfans!
- Duh, competition between the races
- I don't have enough fingers to count all the skill brawls, but needless to say, they brought it
- One point for a guest appearance by Giuliana Rancic's gigantic mouth.
- 7 points for the love interest, mostly for his muscles but I guess also a little bit for his face if you can peel your eyes off his muscles
Don't try to convince me that you're looking at the first one and not the second because I won't buy it.
- 5 points for a funny credit sequence. Not conventionally funny, more like funny-haha-Christina-Milian-is-still-trying-to-have-a-music-career funny.
- SECRET BONUS POINT FOR USING THE PHRASE "PERMANENT FACIAL"