FIRED UP FOR REAL

I'm sorry but we're still going to have a hard time talking about this movie without just sort of keyboard smashing all over the place. BEST MOVIE OF 2009 hands down. Oscar season, Shmoscar shmeason. Fired Up was Bring It On meets Judd Apatow, with even more jokes about getting laid. And oh my God the asshole boyfriend oh my GOD. brb gathering my wits to make this coherent. No, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I just want to say every single person needs to see this. Twice. Three times even. Oh my God. It may have only earned 88 points, but it earned a million points in our hearts. THERE WAS A WHOLE SCENE WITH A CROWD OF CHEERLEADERS WATCHING AND QUOTING BRING IT ON. SO META.

Criteria:

• No points for everyone in the movie being white and rich
• 10 points for pursuing a bunch of super hot love interests
• 10 points for striving to a) not be in last place and b) get some pussy
  
• 10 points for a mid-movie setback complete with a SPOILER ALERT talking fat belly
  
• 10 points for TWO training montages
  
• 10 points for killing two birds with one stone by SPOILER ALERT getting kicked off the team because they were planning on leaving
  
• 10 points for so much sexy teamwork
  
• 10 points for having a national competition
  

Bonus points:

• 1 point for a skill brawl of sorts
• 1 point for the most awesome asshole boyfriend EVER
• 1 point for a lack of parent presence, which we're going to assume means they are unsupportive, but also we just want to give Fired Up all the points in the world
• 1 point for us remembering that there was a celebrity cameo, but we can't remember who it was. But we just found out that Masi Oka (YATA!) was in the eagle costume, so we're going to count it.
• 9 points for all of the love interests being SUPER HOT YOU GUYS
• 5 points for a funny credit sequence
  

Final Score: 88

All You've Got

(SEE THE WORD FART IN THERE? THAT'S WHAT'S IN STORE)

This is a volleyball movie. With that in mind, let's proceed.

The trouble with All You've Got is that there was so much going on that there was nothing going on at all. The reason it got such a high score in the criteria is that it was a vague, nebulous approximation of what a teen competition movie should be. The racial tension was tempered, the love interest was so G-rated that I'm on the verge of putting that qualifier in quotation marks, and the characters met virtually no conflict throughout the entire movie. They weren't going head to head with another notable team, so all of the fighting was amongst themselves, and there was really no reason given for that other than maybe the writers of the movie heard that rich v. poor made for a good movie.

Ultimately, this was supposed to be a vehicle for the then-up-and-coming Ciara, but it failed there, too. Her character was undeveloped and emotionally blobby, mostly coming off as a spoiled brat. It's hard not to cringe at both actor and material when she saunters up to a bar (which she and her other underage friends had somehow made themselves comfortable in without huge black Xs on their hands) and places an order for "three drinks, please." AND SHE RECEIVES THEM. The next time I'm at a bar, I'll just take a tip from All You've Got and order everyone's favorite: drinks.

This movie is proof that a high score doesn't make a good movie. It was based on an artless skill that made for minimal drama to begin with, then stuffed itself full of boring, meaningless caricatures that did nothing, said nothing, and, even after several extensive volleyball games replete with live DJs, achieved nothing.

High five! We're in a terrible movie!

Criteria:

• 15 points for racial tension and class warfare. (Remains boring while doing so.)
  
• 10 points for the pursuit of a love interest (Remains boring while doing so.)
  
• 10 points for an inspiration (dead father) ((Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a mid-movie setback (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a training montage (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a character leaving the team and another character getting kicked off the team. (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a message of teamwork and compromise (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a national level prize (which we never actually see) (Remains boring while doing so.)

Bonus points:

• 1 point for a boring scholarship on the line
• 1 point for unsupportive (sort of) parents
  
• 1 point for Laila "Surprise! I'm boring!" Ali
  
• 8 points for the love interest (who, while cute, is boring from his fauxhawk to his generic teenage shoes)

Final Score: 96

FIRED UP ADVANCE SCREENING

Initial reactions:

Alicia - OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD
Erin - I just need to find a way to make it into a man so I can fall on my knees and suck its dick.

Review to come later when we stop juicing our panties over it.

QUALITY

It's so hard to find pictures for that guy from How She Move.

How She Move

I'm sorry (I'm not sorry) but How She Move is the worst teen competition movie we've ever seen, and I say that having seen Bring It On: In It To Win It. Twice. The plot was confusing and hard to follow. It felt like the movie was trying so hard to avoid cliches that it became a cliche itself and went off the deep end. Teen competition movies aren't gritty and shouldn't try to be. They actually said, "YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T." what. Worst of all, none of the characters were sympathetic in any way at all. We both wanted them all to drive off a cliff and drown in Whoops Ocean by the end, and were rooting for the unknown third team in the finals. SEE YOU AT THE PLACE WHERE MY FIST MEETS YOUR FACES, BITCH. In conclusion, How She Move has fewer stars (2.3) on imdb than Joe Dirt and only .1 star more than Baby Geniuses.



Criteria:

• No points for racial tension because everyone was black and no points for class warfare because they were all the worst.
• No points for pursuing a love interest. Yeah, she SPOILER ALERT kissed the dude with the pimply forehead in the end, but there was no pursuit and it was pointless.
• 10 points for a dead druggie sister as mentor AND inspiration.
• 10 points for a mid-movie setback, even though there were like six of them and they were all pointless and confusing.
• 10 points for the whole movie being a great big training montage.
  
• 10 points for leaving a team, getting kicked off another team, and then leaving another team.
• 10 points for a half-hearted message of teamwork.
• No points for a national level prize.
  

Bonus points:

• 1 point for krumping
• 1 point for a skill brawl (almost always followed by a real brawl)
• 1 point for unsupportive parents
• 1 point for a mentor falling from grace since her sister overdosed
• 1 point for (sort of) a scholarship on the line, even though it wasn't tied to the competition
• 1 point for sort of giving us goosebumps at just one point
  
• 1 point for Keyshia Cole
• 4 points for the love interest, who looked so much better with a hat on to cover his pimples

FINAL SCORE: 61 points

DRUMLINE

Despite its "low" score, Drumline is clearly the second greatest teen competition movie of all time that either of us have ever seen. So there. Scientific method: MYTH BUSTED. YOU BETTER DRUMLINE.

SCORE CARD
CRITERIA:

• A great big ZERO POINTS for racial or class tension. Everyone in this movie is basically on equal ground, and if they don't start out that way they earn the respect of their bandmates by doing one-armed push-ups or making jokes about the school having too many black people.
  
• 10 points for pursuing a love interest
• 10 points for a very serious, Earth, Wind, and Fire-loving Orlando Jones as the mentor who teaches him there's more to drumline than just drumming in a line. WAIT.
• AN EXTRA 5 POINTS for an INVISIBLE MENTOR in the form of his deadbeat father, who threw away his own music career to follow his dream of selling tickets at the bus station.
  
• 10 points for a mid-movie setback that involves our main character being a great big drum clown
  
• 10 points for a training montage that managed to be different by just showing Mr. Mariah Carey learning how to read music instead of involving the entire band.
  
• 10 points for getting kicked off the team
• 10 points for a message of teamwork AND compromise
• 10 points for SPOILER ALERT winning nationals

BONUS POINTS:

• 1 point for a skill brawl between READ and CAN'T READ

• 1 point for a scholarship on the line
• 1 point for ending with a tiebreaker
• 1 point for giving us goosebumps
• 8 points for Zoe Saldana being super flyyyy

FINAL SCORE: 88

Stomp The Yard

Stomp The Yard is a weird one in that THERE IS NO HUMOR. There is no quirky gay friend. It's all about ~feeling your emotions~ and taking one for the team. On the other hand, there's krumping you guys. KRUMPING. And muscles. Dudes who howl at the moon. Wolves vs. snakes; step vs. krumping; old school vs. new school. Shit. One of us (I won't name names (Erin)) started out thinking that step was cooler than krumping and changed her mind before the movie was over, so get ready for a complete change in world view.


SCORE CARD

CRITERIA:

• 10 points for class warfare
• 10 points for pursuing a love interest
• 10 points for a SPOILER ALERT dead brother as inspiration
  
• 10 points for a mid-movie setback
• 10 points for a super sexy training montage full of sweaty shirtless boys
• 10 points for getting kicked off the team
• 10 points for a message of teamwork AND compromise
• 10 points for SPOILER ALERT winning nationals

BONUS POINTS:

• 1 point for SO MUCH KRUMPING
• 1 point for a skill brawl
• 1 point for an asshole boyfriend
• 1 point for ending with a tiebreaker
• 1 point for giving us SO MANY GOOSEBUMPS
• 1 point for Sway from MTV at the nationals
• 7 points for Meagan Good being a super hottie

FINAL SCORE: 93

Teen Competition Movies: Our Criteria

Criteria, worth 10 points each:

• Racial tension or class warfare
• Pursuing a love interest
• Mentor or inspiration
• Mid-movie setback
• Training montage
• Leaving/getting kicked off the team
• Message of teamwork or compromise
• National-level prize
  

Bonus points given for the following:

• Competition between races (1 pt)
  
• Krumping (1 pt)
• Skill brawl (1 pt)
  
• Asshole boyfriend or girlfriend (1 pt)
• Unsupportive parents (1 pt)
  
• Mentor fall from grace (1 pt)
• Scholarship or college acceptance on the line (1 pt)
• Ends with a tie or a tiebreaker (1 pt)
• Gives the viewer goosebumps (1 pt)
• Celebrity judge or guest star (1 pt)
• Attractiveness of the love interest (up to 10 pts)
• Extra bonus points (up to 5) for a funny credit sequence.
  

Total points available: 105 pts.

Teen Competition Movies: A List

• Bring It On
• Bring It On Again
• Bring It On: All or Nothing
• Bring It On: In It To Win It
• Stomp the Yard
• You Got Served
• Drumline
• Stick It
• Step Up
• Step Up 2: The Streets
• Gridiron Gang
• Drop Dead Gorgeous
• How She Move
• Take The Lead
• All You've Got
• She's The Man (undecided)
• Save the Last Dance (undecided)
• The Heart of the Game
• Super Sweet 16: The Movie
• Center Stage
• Center Stage: Turn It Up
• Never Back Down
• The Wizard
• Another Cinderella Story
• The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold
• Ice Princess
• Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
• Rad
• Better Off Dead
• Breakin'
• Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
• Varsity Blues
• Hoop Dreams
• American Anthem
• The Big Green
• The Mighty Ducks
• D2: The Mighty Ducks
• D3: The Mighty Ducks
• Blue Crush
• House Bunny
• Bratz: The Movie
• Roll Bounce
• Airborne
• Gotta Kick It Up
• Sister Act 2 (undecided)
• Fired Up
  

We are always looking for more. Please comment with recommendations!