Bring It On: All Or Nothing

SHABOOYA SHA SHA SHABOOYA ROLE CALL: My name is Erin, and I'm a drunk lesbian, and I'm here to review the third, and most sexually appealing, installment of the Bring It On franchise, Bring It On: All Or Nothing.

This movie is my personal dream come true. It's the movie that introduced the krumping criterion.

It has Hayden Panetierre in the role she was born to play: a cheerleader with the ability to regenerate...my lesboner for her. Her totally weird eyebrows aside, she is still a cheerleader, which is really the only standard I have for girls.

Since I am four cosmopolitans to the wind and not feeling terribly verbose, let's get down to the business. The business of cheerkrumping!

Criteria:

• 10 points to THE MAX in racial tension. When Hayden Panehottierre's dad cheats on his taxes (because that's the only kind of crime white people commit), her family is forced to move to the neightborhood of Crenshaw Heights, which, like most neighborhoods that end in Heights, is downright lousy with minorities, particularly Solange Knowles, looking surprisingly unfug.
  
• 10 points for pursuing a love interest. Although her real love is krumping -- and ending racism forever -- there is a boy thrown in there, too, just to foil delusional fools like me.
• 10 points for two or three training montages.
• 10 points for getting kicked off the team. She was actually kicked off two teams -- her white team turns their back on her, and her minorities team kicks her off when she refuses to acknowledge Solange's captaincy. Ladies, ladies, there is enough cheerleading for all of you to do in front of me.
• 10 points for a message of both teamwork and compromise. We must all krump together if we are to
• 10 points for the national level prize in this movie being a spot in a Rihanna music video, obviously, since Rihanna LOVES cheerleaders. LOVES them. Tell your friends.

Bonus Points:

• 1 point for a competition between the races at a quintessentially racial thing...
• 1 point for, may I remind you, krumping

• 1 point for a skill brawl -- please see above. Clearly Hotden Hotdentierre brings it. She BRINGS IT ON. What you're seeing up there is actually part of one of the training montages, when one of her minority friends is telling her to "Get mad. GET MAD" because that's what drives all ethnic dance impulses: rage.
  
• 1 point for an asshole boyfriend who I can't remember right now.
• 1 point for a FANTASTIC tiebreaker that involves nevernude fatigues, rump-shaking, and racism.
• 1 point for giving me, the queerburger viewer SO many goosebumps. Like, so many that it makes it awkward for the other people in the room, like that time I made orgasm noises during that one episode of LOST while Alicia and Rob were in the room. Sorry guys! You can stop bringing it up now.
• 1 point for guest judge Rihanna, back when she was just getting started and actually sang songs I wanted to listen to.
• The original love interest was supposed to be this douchebag

who Straightlicia gives a 6.5. But at the last minute, the producers of this cinematic masterpiece made a well-informed decision and made it me, Erin:

And I am a 10.

• And finally, 1 point for an unintentionally hilarious credit sequence, featuring our entire cast performing as a cohesive group in a terrible version of a thankfully unaired music video for Rihanna's hit song "Pon De Replay". Yikes.

FINAL SCORE: 74.5 + ALL OF MY BONERS

GOODNIGHT