Bring It On: Fight To The Finish

The Bring It On series is surprisingly similar to the Final Destination franchise - both have three too many sequels (we're not including All or Nothing here, you guys, because as Erin said, "If people weren't so close-minded, All or Nothing could be the Citizen Kane of our generation. But whatever, sheeple. Wake up, America."), both always start with a bitchin' dream sequence, both went in completely opposite directions of the original, and both are AAAAAAWEEEESOMMMMMEEEE.

Let's just go ahead and acknowledge the elephant in the room:

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Malibu was a KKK safe haven and even black people there totally hate girls who "speak Taco Bell menu." I'm pretty sure I even heard a Prussian Blue song playing. (This is how rumors start. I didn't hear a Prussian Blue song.)

You're not going to be happy until there are drive-bys and chickens in the front yard!

Not to mention the actual functionally retarded guy they got to play El Cholo Broseph the Walking, Talking Plot Point. The guy who's only other credits to date are being Jessica Alba's assistant and a crew member on Good Luck Chuck. This is quality casting, folks! Where is this guy's Oscar!

All Mexican guys are pussy whipped and love their low riders! It's not a stereotype if it's true!

Moving on, take my hand and let's go on a magic carpet ride through the criteria.

Do you trust me?

Criteria

• Do I really need to say that there was racial tension and class warfare? They switched it up on us by having a poor, Hispanic waitress ("a maid with tips") marry up to some gigantically rich white dude in Malibu instead of having a white dude move his family to the ~bario, but it was totally still 10 points worth of both.
• 10 points for pursuing the cutest love interest who wasn't Jesse Bradford yet. We were both totally all "white bread" at first but those PECS and those ARMS and THAT BACK. Even my hugely lesbian cohort was totally picking up what he was laying down. (Did I use that phrase right? Is that how you kids talk on your tweeters when you're twatting your twits? Stick it!)
• I'm not telling you the mid-movie setback because I don't want to spoil you but there totally was one! 10 points!
• We got not one, not two, but THREE training montages, with a bonus makeover montage. I feel like that deserves bonus bonus points, but I have to stick to the rules or Erin will get mad.
• I'm also not going to tell you who was kicked off or left the team because I am a goddamn humanitarian. A Teen-Competition-Movietarian. 10 points!
  
• The third and final training montage was a textbook message of compromise, even harkening back to Bring It On: The First's reworking of their routine. Easter eggs for the superfans!

Bonus points

• Duh, competition between the races
• I don't have enough fingers to count all the skill brawls, but needless to say, they brought it
• One point for a guest appearance by Giuliana Rancic's gigantic mouth.

• 7 points for the love interest, mostly for his muscles but I guess also a little bit for his face if you can peel your eyes off his muscles

Don't try to convince me that you're looking at the first one and not the second because I won't buy it.

• 5 points for a funny credit sequence. Not conventionally funny, more like funny-haha-Christina-Milian-is-still-trying-to-have-a-music-career funny.
  
• SECRET BONUS POINT FOR USING THE PHRASE "PERMANENT FACIAL"

Final Score: 76

Roll Bounce

Actual conversation from 4/18/2009
Blockbuster employee: Why Roll Bounce?
Alicia: Why NOT Roll Bounce?
Erin: Yeah it was very critically acclaimed.
Alicia: what

And then a lot of arguing back and forth consisting of Erin saying it was and Alicia saying it wasn't, devolving further into personal insults and name calling. But anyway, if you count the Portland Oregonian saying it was a "powerfully silly brain vacation," then yes, it was critically acclaimed.

But it's so much more than a powerfully silly brain vacation! Yeah, it's funny at times but dude, it's rollerskating. Skilled rollerskating. ROLL DANCING. And it has a killer ass soundtrack. Say what you will about it being fluff, but we might have teared up at a very emotional father-son argument. Don't even get us started on that tiebreaker, too. Fuck that tiebreaker. It's not fair to all the other tiebreakers in teen competition movies because that tiebreaker was fucking out of this world.

What Roll Bounce really has that no other movie will ever have is Sweetness. (Side note: I was just looking for an appropriate picture of Sweetness and was disappointed that the only ones I found didn't showcase his abs and pecs. Erin's response? "You can't even see his big blackness!")


Criteria:

• 10 points for the racial tension between the cracker ass Sweetness skaters and "The Cosbys" and the class warfare between Sweetness himself and the "ghetto" Bow Wow.
• 10 points for the forgettable and predictable love connection between Bow Wow and Meagan Goode.
• 10 points for an unseen dead mother whose skates he inherited and who had an ~invisible hand in the emotional mid-movie setback.
• Leading us to another 10 points for a mid-movie setback and I'm not going to tell you what it is so you can't prepare yourself. If we had to be caught off guard and brought to tears by it, then so do you.
• 10 points for several AWESOME training montages. I'm sorry but everything is better on roller skates. Everything. Even sex.
• 10 points for a national-level prize in that all of America got to see Sweetness' abs. Seriously those muscles of his could cure world hunger and end terrorism in America.

Bonus Points:

• 1 point for all of the white people in this movie being assholes
• 1 point for SUCH a skill brawl
• 1 point for a father who eventually comes around in the end
• 1 point for that same father falling from grace so hard
• 1 point for an out of this world tiebreaker, complete with 500% more abs than any other tiebreaker ever
• 7 points for Meagan Goode being super hot (as we've mentioned before), but minus one point because she also looks kind of like jail bait in this movie
• 5 points for an awesome credit sequence

FINAL SCORE: 76 (but it deserves so much more)

Nota Bene: Thank you Roll Bounce for teaching us all that this kid from Holes


grew up to be surprisingly attractive.

Bring It On: All Or Nothing

SHABOOYA SHA SHA SHABOOYA ROLE CALL: My name is Erin, and I'm a drunk lesbian, and I'm here to review the third, and most sexually appealing, installment of the Bring It On franchise, Bring It On: All Or Nothing.

This movie is my personal dream come true. It's the movie that introduced the krumping criterion.

It has Hayden Panetierre in the role she was born to play: a cheerleader with the ability to regenerate...my lesboner for her. Her totally weird eyebrows aside, she is still a cheerleader, which is really the only standard I have for girls.

Since I am four cosmopolitans to the wind and not feeling terribly verbose, let's get down to the business. The business of cheerkrumping!

Criteria:

• 10 points to THE MAX in racial tension. When Hayden Panehottierre's dad cheats on his taxes (because that's the only kind of crime white people commit), her family is forced to move to the neightborhood of Crenshaw Heights, which, like most neighborhoods that end in Heights, is downright lousy with minorities, particularly Solange Knowles, looking surprisingly unfug.
  
• 10 points for pursuing a love interest. Although her real love is krumping -- and ending racism forever -- there is a boy thrown in there, too, just to foil delusional fools like me.
• 10 points for two or three training montages.
• 10 points for getting kicked off the team. She was actually kicked off two teams -- her white team turns their back on her, and her minorities team kicks her off when she refuses to acknowledge Solange's captaincy. Ladies, ladies, there is enough cheerleading for all of you to do in front of me.
• 10 points for a message of both teamwork and compromise. We must all krump together if we are to
• 10 points for the national level prize in this movie being a spot in a Rihanna music video, obviously, since Rihanna LOVES cheerleaders. LOVES them. Tell your friends.

Bonus Points:

• 1 point for a competition between the races at a quintessentially racial thing...
• 1 point for, may I remind you, krumping

• 1 point for a skill brawl -- please see above. Clearly Hotden Hotdentierre brings it. She BRINGS IT ON. What you're seeing up there is actually part of one of the training montages, when one of her minority friends is telling her to "Get mad. GET MAD" because that's what drives all ethnic dance impulses: rage.
  
• 1 point for an asshole boyfriend who I can't remember right now.
• 1 point for a FANTASTIC tiebreaker that involves nevernude fatigues, rump-shaking, and racism.
• 1 point for giving me, the queerburger viewer SO many goosebumps. Like, so many that it makes it awkward for the other people in the room, like that time I made orgasm noises during that one episode of LOST while Alicia and Rob were in the room. Sorry guys! You can stop bringing it up now.
• 1 point for guest judge Rihanna, back when she was just getting started and actually sang songs I wanted to listen to.
• The original love interest was supposed to be this douchebag

who Straightlicia gives a 6.5. But at the last minute, the producers of this cinematic masterpiece made a well-informed decision and made it me, Erin:

And I am a 10.

• And finally, 1 point for an unintentionally hilarious credit sequence, featuring our entire cast performing as a cohesive group in a terrible version of a thankfully unaired music video for Rihanna's hit song "Pon De Replay". Yikes.

FINAL SCORE: 74.5 + ALL OF MY BONERS

GOODNIGHT