BREW AND BOOTY
The episode opens with the introduction of former gymnastics coach Sasha Beloff, who left his sport of choice because the pressure was too high. Now he is unwinding with the king of sports and sport of kings: fly fishing.
Yes, like most former Olympic-level gymnastics coaches, I tie my own.
Lauren's dad approaches him to make a smarmy plea to come coach at The Rock, but Beloff appears uninterested, saying he hasn't even watched the sport in years. But then, what's this? Why does he have a creepy list of Lauren's gymnastic shortcomings? Piking her layouts? Costing her tenths of points? All the signs are there: This guy LOVES 16-year-old girls.
Meanwhile, back in Boulder, Kaylie is getting fed up with the new coach (who Alicia has just informed me is also Kaylie's dad, DUH), whose name I can't remember right now: Coach Lay Off YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME. The situation is about to reach a breaking point! Something must be done -- something that results in Blowing Off Steam. So, since the universe is a very fair place, while she, Emily, and WhatserPays are having lunch, some greasy douchebag hands them a flyer for Blast Off, which he describes as "the biggest kegger of the year, music, bands, and all the beer you can drink, it's gonna be dope." Music AND bands?
But this show is such an exquisite tease, drawing out our anticipation to watch SPOILER ALERT underage gymnasts get wasted on one beer. Before this epic, life-changing kegger can actually happen, brah, there needs to be some kind of unrelated plot development.
This development comes when Sasha Beloff, unable to slake his hunger for young girls, agrees to Lauren's dad's proposition and signs on to be the coach at The Rock, convinced by an impassioned speech from, okay I'll say it, Payson. He meets that speech with one of his own, a real Braveheart affair rallying the girls to eat, sleep, breathe, and poop gymnastics with every action, every thought, every iota of their insignificant lives.
But even the dethroning of Coach WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME is not enough to keep Kaylie from Blowing Off Steam. The kegger will proceed as planned.
As Payson has wisely abstained, Kaylie and Emily are soon away to Blast Off. And my goodness, who should be there but our emo friend from the pizza shop. He bends Emily's ear about how she's a snob for not wanting to associate with "someone who smells like pepperoni", and surprisingly she finds this offputting and sends him away. BUT WHAT'S THIS? HE'S IN THE BAND? The organizer promised there would be bands and music, but how were we to know it would be emo! What a treat!
While this magnificent revelation is happening, Kaylie's plotline is climaxing with, of course, a dramatic keg stand. Which is, naturally, when her boyfriend comes upon her and is immediately dismayed.
They fight, a bitter, protracted affair. The teenage equivalent of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe. Which is why, afterward, he is in such a fragile emotional state that when Lauren shows up to comfort him, he allows her to move in for the kill.
They totally bone. HIGH FIVE!
The episode ends with, unbeknownst to him, Lauren reading a text on his phone, a plea for reconciliation the way only young lovers know:
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