Hear us out: Bride Wars

This afternoon we conducted a scientific and social experiment: can the criteria for a teen competition movie be applied to a movie where two grown ass women compete. We learned a lot, but mostly we learned that Bride Wars is the worst movie ever written. I would rather fall asleep in the movie theater seeing Bicentennial Man on my first date than ever watch Bride Wars again.

As for Erin, she finds it a blisteringly honest portrayal of woman. She related in some way to all of the characters, from the shrew to the pill-popping Asian to the perfectionist with an obvious eye lift to the token "drown my sorrows in Ben & Jerry's" girl to the schlubby receptionist with a biting wit.


So I know this is totally supposed to be about two straight women getting married, but let's talk about the elephant in the room. This movie is actually about two women who are so gay for each other. So goddamn gay. Gayer than The Incredible Adventures of Two Girls In Love. Emma wears the pants from the very first scene where the two girls stage a mock wedding, and shit never quits. She even (spoiler alert) dumps her dude and walks Liv down the aisle, you guys. Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to the nitty gritty.

Criteria:

• 10 points for the rough class warfare between the middle upper class Liv and the lower upper class Emma. 0 points for racial tension because, apart from the pill-popping Azn, everyone was white as snow (or a blood orange).
• 10 points for a mid-movie tearful (not on our part) setback
• 10 points for the gayest "training" montage we've seen yet
• 10 points for a message of lesbian compromise right at the very end. Also known as "playing for the other teamwork"
• 10 points for a national-level prize in the veiled promise of a Baby Wars sequel

Bonus Points:

• 0 points for me wishing there had been krumping, although I wasn't willing to rule it out until the very end
  
• 1 point for the whole thing being a skill brawl of who could be the biggest wedding-destroying bitch
• 1 point for an asshole fiance who (spoiler alert) got dumped
• 1 point for a knock down, drag out, tulle destroying pseudo-tiebreaker
• The average white boy fiances earn a solid, pasty four points
• No bonus points because we turned it off right before the credits and don't actually know if they were funny but let's just assume they weren't because the rest of the movie wasn't.

Final score: 57 points

In conclusion, this movie is BLUE!!! THIS MOVIE IS BLUE!! BLUE!!!!