Roll Bounce

Actual conversation from 4/18/2009
Blockbuster employee: Why Roll Bounce?
Alicia: Why NOT Roll Bounce?
Erin: Yeah it was very critically acclaimed.
Alicia: what

And then a lot of arguing back and forth consisting of Erin saying it was and Alicia saying it wasn't, devolving further into personal insults and name calling. But anyway, if you count the Portland Oregonian saying it was a "powerfully silly brain vacation," then yes, it was critically acclaimed.

But it's so much more than a powerfully silly brain vacation! Yeah, it's funny at times but dude, it's rollerskating. Skilled rollerskating. ROLL DANCING. And it has a killer ass soundtrack. Say what you will about it being fluff, but we might have teared up at a very emotional father-son argument. Don't even get us started on that tiebreaker, too. Fuck that tiebreaker. It's not fair to all the other tiebreakers in teen competition movies because that tiebreaker was fucking out of this world.

What Roll Bounce really has that no other movie will ever have is Sweetness. (Side note: I was just looking for an appropriate picture of Sweetness and was disappointed that the only ones I found didn't showcase his abs and pecs. Erin's response? "You can't even see his big blackness!")


Criteria:

• 10 points for the racial tension between the cracker ass Sweetness skaters and "The Cosbys" and the class warfare between Sweetness himself and the "ghetto" Bow Wow.
• 10 points for the forgettable and predictable love connection between Bow Wow and Meagan Goode.
• 10 points for an unseen dead mother whose skates he inherited and who had an ~invisible hand in the emotional mid-movie setback.
• Leading us to another 10 points for a mid-movie setback and I'm not going to tell you what it is so you can't prepare yourself. If we had to be caught off guard and brought to tears by it, then so do you.
• 10 points for several AWESOME training montages. I'm sorry but everything is better on roller skates. Everything. Even sex.
• 10 points for a national-level prize in that all of America got to see Sweetness' abs. Seriously those muscles of his could cure world hunger and end terrorism in America.

Bonus Points:

• 1 point for all of the white people in this movie being assholes
• 1 point for SUCH a skill brawl
• 1 point for a father who eventually comes around in the end
• 1 point for that same father falling from grace so hard
• 1 point for an out of this world tiebreaker, complete with 500% more abs than any other tiebreaker ever
• 7 points for Meagan Goode being super hot (as we've mentioned before), but minus one point because she also looks kind of like jail bait in this movie
• 5 points for an awesome credit sequence

FINAL SCORE: 76 (but it deserves so much more)

Nota Bene: Thank you Roll Bounce for teaching us all that this kid from Holes


grew up to be surprisingly attractive.