All You've Got

(SEE THE WORD FART IN THERE? THAT'S WHAT'S IN STORE)

This is a volleyball movie. With that in mind, let's proceed.

The trouble with All You've Got is that there was so much going on that there was nothing going on at all. The reason it got such a high score in the criteria is that it was a vague, nebulous approximation of what a teen competition movie should be. The racial tension was tempered, the love interest was so G-rated that I'm on the verge of putting that qualifier in quotation marks, and the characters met virtually no conflict throughout the entire movie. They weren't going head to head with another notable team, so all of the fighting was amongst themselves, and there was really no reason given for that other than maybe the writers of the movie heard that rich v. poor made for a good movie.

Ultimately, this was supposed to be a vehicle for the then-up-and-coming Ciara, but it failed there, too. Her character was undeveloped and emotionally blobby, mostly coming off as a spoiled brat. It's hard not to cringe at both actor and material when she saunters up to a bar (which she and her other underage friends had somehow made themselves comfortable in without huge black Xs on their hands) and places an order for "three drinks, please." AND SHE RECEIVES THEM. The next time I'm at a bar, I'll just take a tip from All You've Got and order everyone's favorite: drinks.

This movie is proof that a high score doesn't make a good movie. It was based on an artless skill that made for minimal drama to begin with, then stuffed itself full of boring, meaningless caricatures that did nothing, said nothing, and, even after several extensive volleyball games replete with live DJs, achieved nothing.

High five! We're in a terrible movie!

Criteria:

• 15 points for racial tension and class warfare. (Remains boring while doing so.)
  
• 10 points for the pursuit of a love interest (Remains boring while doing so.)
  
• 10 points for an inspiration (dead father) ((Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a mid-movie setback (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a training montage (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a character leaving the team and another character getting kicked off the team. (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a message of teamwork and compromise (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a national level prize (which we never actually see) (Remains boring while doing so.)

Bonus points:

• 1 point for a boring scholarship on the line
• 1 point for unsupportive (sort of) parents
  
• 1 point for Laila "Surprise! I'm boring!" Ali
  
• 8 points for the love interest (who, while cute, is boring from his fauxhawk to his generic teenage shoes)

Final Score: 96

Stomp The Yard

Stomp The Yard is a weird one in that THERE IS NO HUMOR. There is no quirky gay friend. It's all about ~feeling your emotions~ and taking one for the team. On the other hand, there's krumping you guys. KRUMPING. And muscles. Dudes who howl at the moon. Wolves vs. snakes; step vs. krumping; old school vs. new school. Shit. One of us (I won't name names (Erin)) started out thinking that step was cooler than krumping and changed her mind before the movie was over, so get ready for a complete change in world view.


SCORE CARD

CRITERIA:

• 10 points for class warfare
• 10 points for pursuing a love interest
• 10 points for a SPOILER ALERT dead brother as inspiration
  
• 10 points for a mid-movie setback
• 10 points for a super sexy training montage full of sweaty shirtless boys
• 10 points for getting kicked off the team
• 10 points for a message of teamwork AND compromise
• 10 points for SPOILER ALERT winning nationals

BONUS POINTS:

• 1 point for SO MUCH KRUMPING
• 1 point for a skill brawl
• 1 point for an asshole boyfriend
• 1 point for ending with a tiebreaker
• 1 point for giving us SO MANY GOOSEBUMPS
• 1 point for Sway from MTV at the nationals
• 7 points for Meagan Good being a super hottie

FINAL SCORE: 93