All You've Got

(SEE THE WORD FART IN THERE? THAT'S WHAT'S IN STORE)

This is a volleyball movie. With that in mind, let's proceed.

The trouble with All You've Got is that there was so much going on that there was nothing going on at all. The reason it got such a high score in the criteria is that it was a vague, nebulous approximation of what a teen competition movie should be. The racial tension was tempered, the love interest was so G-rated that I'm on the verge of putting that qualifier in quotation marks, and the characters met virtually no conflict throughout the entire movie. They weren't going head to head with another notable team, so all of the fighting was amongst themselves, and there was really no reason given for that other than maybe the writers of the movie heard that rich v. poor made for a good movie.

Ultimately, this was supposed to be a vehicle for the then-up-and-coming Ciara, but it failed there, too. Her character was undeveloped and emotionally blobby, mostly coming off as a spoiled brat. It's hard not to cringe at both actor and material when she saunters up to a bar (which she and her other underage friends had somehow made themselves comfortable in without huge black Xs on their hands) and places an order for "three drinks, please." AND SHE RECEIVES THEM. The next time I'm at a bar, I'll just take a tip from All You've Got and order everyone's favorite: drinks.

This movie is proof that a high score doesn't make a good movie. It was based on an artless skill that made for minimal drama to begin with, then stuffed itself full of boring, meaningless caricatures that did nothing, said nothing, and, even after several extensive volleyball games replete with live DJs, achieved nothing.

High five! We're in a terrible movie!

Criteria:

• 15 points for racial tension and class warfare. (Remains boring while doing so.)
  
• 10 points for the pursuit of a love interest (Remains boring while doing so.)
  
• 10 points for an inspiration (dead father) ((Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a mid-movie setback (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a training montage (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a character leaving the team and another character getting kicked off the team. (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a message of teamwork and compromise (Remains boring while doing so.)
• 10 points for a national level prize (which we never actually see) (Remains boring while doing so.)

Bonus points:

• 1 point for a boring scholarship on the line
• 1 point for unsupportive (sort of) parents
  
• 1 point for Laila "Surprise! I'm boring!" Ali
  
• 8 points for the love interest (who, while cute, is boring from his fauxhawk to his generic teenage shoes)

Final Score: 96